Paul Quotes

Most of which are actually true despite how ridiculous they are.

If you've got any quotes/stories that mock Paul, and I know all of you do, then post it.

Hey Paul, you'd better stop tossing that bean dip jar around or else you're probably going to drop it and break it. --JonC, Eventually Paul tosses jar at innocent JonC, but deathblow is deflected by pillow sending jar crashing into Rich's office door, proceed to next quote...

Oh my god, oh my god. I'm sorry Rich, I'll clean it up. Oh my god, oh my god. I'm sorry Rich... --Paul, in the midst of attempting to mop up splattered bean dip. Attempted murder charges dropped.

"waana buy some fallen empires" wanna buy some fallen empires? Only a 50 thousand percent markup! wanna buy a whole box? I'll give you a tiny discount I don't pay taxes, either! --JONC, tormenting Paul before the bean dip incident, forcing his innocent captive to deliberately miss him with a jar of bean dip to attempt to free himself from his imprisonment. Unfortunately, the evil JONC deliberately vandalized the EEProom by swatting the bean dip into Rich's door and framing the good Paul.
Posted by: Junior God, currently running things.

That's not bean dip...I just haven't washed lately --Paul Gowder confessing sins to Rich Maddox
Posted on Sep 3, 1997, 18:09 by: Rich "The Sling-Boy" Maddox

I am totally the Queen of B.S. --Older EEPster, don't remember who exactly, proceed to next quote...
Posted on Sep 5, 1997, 23:40 by: JonC, though the idea was from Betty

No, I am the Queen of B.S. --Her Royal Highness, Paul
Posted on Sep 5, 1997, 23:53 by: JonC

Policeman walks onto train: "Ok, everybody show your tickets, passes, and transfers."
Paul: "Is this search and seizure?" (Ok, most people with an ounce of sense wouldn't have said this, but Paul did)
Policeman: "Haha, real funny, don't quit your day job trying to become a comedian." (Here again, most people would take a hint and drop the conversation, but does Paul?)
Paul: "Yeah, don't quit your day job trying to become a real cop."
Policeman: "What was that? Maybe you'd like to step off at the next station and tell me what you ment by that remark." (The trouble Paul gets into...)
Paul, realizing his mistake: "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it." (Too little, too late...)
Policeman: "Maybe you'd better keep your mouth shut before you get in any more trouble."
Paul, now groveling: "No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't really need to get off the train."

Well, Paul got a ticket for unruly conduct through his incredible tact, and went to court to fight the ticket. So the moral of the story is: Don't insult cops while riding on the train. --The previous is a tale of Paul Gowder receiving a ticket for unruly conduct, which was actually for him insulting a policeman on the L.A. Metro Blue Line. I was there, so I'll put this highly amusing story on JonC's web page so everybody can read it.
Posted on Oct 9, 1997, 01:56 by: I'd put my name down, but I think Paul would be mad at me (like he can't figure it out)

" I will not mock Paul, I love Paul." --Tina
Posted on Dec 21, 1997, 18:16 by: Tina

Come on people, this should be the longest of the quotes pages! Paul has done so much to be mocked! He got ticketed THREE times on the Blue Line! He got lectured by a Secret Service agent inside the White House! He's been called gay in class by a professor! So much has happened, and it's funny! --The whole world should know about these incidents, so come on people, post them!
Posted on Dec 27, 1997, 01:53 by: The masses, and we want more postings of Paul-Problems

I am God therefore everything I declare must be true. I've declared I am God therefore I must be. --Paul, utilizing the kinds of argumentative skills he'll be employing professionally in the future. Creepy isn't it?
Posted on Jan 3, 1998, 14:12 by: JonC

"Real Gods go to Yale!!" --Everyone thinks so
Posted on Jan 10, 1998, 01:46 by: The World

What about Princeton? Or Brown? Or Bob Jones Law School? --Someone
Posted on Jan 10, 1998, 02:10 by: Someone

uh... Princeton doesn't have a law school. Brown doesn't have a law school. And Yale's law school is only slightly worse than Bob Jones School of Law, so... --Truth.
Posted on Jan 10, 1998, 03:32 by: HE

Well, what do you expect from Yale? Bob Jones Law School is THE premier law school in the world. Yale may be below Bob Jones Law School, and Harvard is way down there. I'm sure if Cal State LA had a law school, it would be better than Harvard. Harvard doesn't teach anything special about law, it just teaches how to be an egomaniac. --Someone
Posted on Jan 11, 1998, 01:35 by: Someone

"I once knew a guy that was sooooo egotistical and rude that his head head just got really big and his hair curly." --Paul, I like making fun of myself and i encourage all to do so.
Posted on Jan 11, 1998, 02:18 by: Harvard Silly Boy

"I think I can forge Paul's name to postings about himself and not get caught" --Some moron... I know who you are... MUHAHAHAHAHA Posted on Jan 11, 1998, 03:44 by: JGP :)

"Oh, by the way, did I ever mention the reasons Heaven doesn't have a guestbook?" --Paul, for good reason, I might add.
Posted on Jan 11, 1998, 03:45 by: Paul

I think JGP stands for Joking Garrulous Paul! --Everybody should post what they think JGP stands for on this page.
Posted on Jan 14, 1998, 01:35 by: Marquis de Lister

Oh, and don't post any stupid and obviously false interpretations of JGP like Junior God Paul. We all know Paul would look horrible in a Junior Miss size dress, and he certainly isn't a god. --Post away! What do you think JGP stands for?
Posted on Jan 14, 1998, 02:08 by: Marquis de Lister

J.G.P.: Jelly Groping Progeny --Post more possible interpretations of JGP here.
Posted on Jan 16, 1998, 01:59 by: Marquis de Lister

J.G.P.: Jam, Grapes, and Peanuts --
Posted on Jan 16, 1998, 03:27 by: Marquis de Lister

J.G.P.: Jointed Grey Pantaloons --Hehe...
Posted on Jan 17, 1998, 00:54 by: Marquis de Lister

J.G.P.: Jimmy Groping Paul ---haha-
Posted on Jan 18, 1998, 03:03 by: I am.....

J.G.P.: Jehostaphat's Gangrene Penis ---double haha-
Posted on Jan 18, 1998, 03:06 by: I am.....

J.G.P.: Jasmine Gelatin with Pears. --Hehe...I sure hope it wasn't Betty, MoAE that posted that last one...hehe...
Posted on Jan 19, 1998, 01:56 by: Monsieur le Marquis de Lister

J.G.P: Jalapenos, Genitalia, and Purple Ink --What a Combo!!!
Posted on Jan 24, 1998, 02:15 by: I am....not Betty

Hey everybody! Go listen to some sound files of Paul being frustrated! Check out my Paul-Sounds webpage at Paul's Ego Sounds. --The sound files are authentic files! They are not impersonations, they are the real McCoy! Or in this case, the real McFryboy!
Posted on Jun 2, 1998, 19:05 by: Lhasa Ehmo

The Village People weren't gay, it was just a publicity stunt. --Paul arguing with Rich
Posted on Jun 23, 1998, 01:54 by: ...

I'm just like Urkel --Paul, who else?
Posted on Aug 7, 1998, 21:45 by: JonC

"I was thinking about prostitutes just yesterday." --Paul, in an e-mail.
Posted on Sep 14, 1998, 04:17 by: JGP :)

Please do not quote that sentence out of context. --Paul, don't you realize you force us to have to quote you when you say things like that?
Posted on Sep 18, 1998, 06:14 by: JonC

In the murder trial. "Did you kill that man." "No." "He's guilty! There's proof! He's in denial!" --Paul. Some might say this quote is out of context. I prefer to say this quote is funny anyway so I'm posting it.
Posted on Oct 2, 1998, 01:30 by: JonC

What?!? Quote Paul out of context?!? And just because it's a funny quote?!? --Haha Paul, take this
Posted on Oct 17, 1998, 05:40 by: :^)

I block out the sun! ---- Paul again
Posted on Nov 10, 1998, 13:42 by: JonC, and this isn't even much out of context.

Paul is one of those people who is outweighed by the amount of anecdotes concerning him. ---
Posted on Nov 22, 1998, 03:03 by: Paul

Hey, Paul tried to rip my clothes off once! All he did was tear my shirt, though. --Be afraid... be very afraid...
Posted on Nov 28, 1998, 03:31 by: Pale white person

There once was an EEPster named Paul,
Whose mouth was his constant downfall,
He's insulting police,
And disturbing the peace,
And bad-mouthing profs in the hall.

Posted on Feb 14, 1999, 02:16 by: The poet.

"Oh, oh... Fingerhut, Pizza-hut, blah, blah, blah..." (Gets into elevator and turns to see Professor Fingerhut getting into the Elevator) "Oh..." (Spends a very long, very awkward elevator ride.) --The Neighborhood Rumor Mill
Posted on Jun 23, 1999, 01:57 by: Someone

(Paul Playing Quake. Gets a Megahealth) P: "Hey', Why's my health slowly going down?" Joe: "You've been poisoned! Shoot the barrels to release the cure!" (Paul shoots barrel. Barrel explodes) P: "Hey! I'm at fifty health!" J: "Yeah, but your health stopped going down." P: Oh yeah... --I guess just about everyone in EEP knows about this by now.
Posted on Jun 23, 1999, 01:59 by: A Muse of Caprice and Whimsy

Paul: What should I do? JonR: Rocket Launcher! Paul: Okay. Results=Cloudy w/ strong chances of gibs. --Paul, playing quake (and not learning lesson from Joe)
Posted on Jul 7, 1999, 02:01 by: The Thug of Caprice and Whimsy